WHILE two Married At First Sight contestants begin a sordid affair in a Kings Cross bar, one wife is abruptly dumped and forced to leave the experiment.
"I'm absolutely devastated," Alycia says as her husband Mathew breaks up with her in public and then runs away. Until now, this couple has not been interesting enough to be included in these recaps. But a public dumping on the Woolloomooloo wharf really kicks this episode into gear and is an unexpected delight from these previously underwhelming contestants.
Meanwhile, Davina and Dean embark on their secret affair by day-drinking in a deserted Kings Cross bar while touching each other's thighs. They seem like the kind of people who'd get caught on CCTV having sex in a park with the footage becoming a viral video on Lad Bible.
Everything's just a mess. Kind of like the dinner Sean cooks for Jo.
I don't even know where to start explaining what happens in this episode. It's like when my apartment is super dirty and I don't know what to clean first so I just leave and go to the cinema where it's tidier. But, unfortunately, eating Maltesers in a dark room isn't going to solve my problems tonight. So let's just start small.
Here's Davina wearing a leather motorcycle jacket caped obnoxiously over her shoulders.
There's nothing more annoying than a caped jacket. In my office, there's a whole department of people who wear blazers caped over their shoulders and I find it very threatening. When a group of them start urgently striding down the hallway, the wind catches their caped jackets and all of a sudden there's just reams of fabric swishing around everywhere and I have to press my body up against the wall out of fear.
Anyway, the significance of the caped jacket to Tuesday night's episode is it's the outfit Davina has chosen to wear to her secret meeting with Dean.
What makes this meeting so compelling is Dean's wife Tracey is none the wiser. Here she is looking real smug just moments after telling us how secure her relationship is.
Back at the Kings Cross bar, things heat up quickly between Davina and Dean. Handycam footage taken from under the table shows the two of them touching each other's upper thighs.
"I know what I want," Davina says, licking her overfilled lips.
Dean grunts back: 'I know what I want."
"You can keep rubbing my leg," Davina says as she fingers Dean's fringe. "I love you. Oh my god I wanna kiss you so bad."
Now seems like a terrific time to check in on Tracey again. Here she is looking smug after telling us how loyal Dean is.
To be honest, we only tune in tonight to see Dean and Davina's affair unfold before our eyes. So when Mathew blindsides Alycia and dumps her before running off, it comes as a delightful little treat.
I haven't mentioned Mathew or Alycia much in these recaps mainly because they're boring and have nothing to offer. Alycia's nice but she has the sickening innocence of a Taylor Swift song (back from when Taylor was annoying, had curly hair and sang about castles. Not circa now, where she's annoying, has straight hair and sings about Kim).
She's also got a touch of the Frances Abbots.
We're out for our morning power walk around the Woolloomooloo wharf and we find Alycia slumped over a stone staircase.
She's contemplating her flailing marriage. She wants to make it work but Mathew gets sister vibes from her and there's really no coming back from that.
Mat suddenly finds us on the staircase. Restless and uneasy, it's clear he hasn't slept in days. There's something he needs to say.
"I don't see the point in letting this go on," he blurts out. "I think it's in everyone's best interest that we leave the experiment because my heart is just not in this at all."
The abrupt admission blindsides Alycia and slaps her in the face. She stares down at the stone path.
Just metres away, we watch on and try not to intrude on the shattering moment.
"I've got nothing to say, sorry. I'm just really hurt," Alycia eventually says.
"I'm absolutely devastated."
It's all she can muster.
As Alycia's world crashes down and her eyes well up, Mat stands and runs off.
"I'm very sorry!" he yells, the worthless apology echoing down the wharf and over the grey water.
In an instant, the wholesome and innocent girl Alycia once was vanishes. This brush with the cruel, merciless dame that is love has changed her. And just like that, she becomes Taylor Swift circa now.
For more observations on Maltesers and the people in my office who wear caped blazers, follow me on Twitter: @hellojamesweir
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