Angry mob drags MAFS cheater after sneaky trick
MARRIED At First Sight's cheating wife has faceplanted while attempting to pull off a sneaky trick and been dragged by an angry lynch mob of mouthy fellow contestants.
Ugh, it's so annoying when people insert themselves in your business. Especially when you're not bothering anyone and all you're trying to do is quietly insert yourself in another man's marriage without his wife noticing.
This is the bind Jessika is in at Sunday night's commitment ceremony. In recent days, she has loudly splattered to anyone who'll listen that she hates her husband Mick and their marriage is over. She has also spluttered to everyone that Mick slagged off her entire family and then dropped the C-bomb a million times, and we don't bat an eye because after six weeks of cheating, mild choking and cantaloupes being thrown, there is no shock limit anymore. We are desensitised. Children all over Australia are running around school playgrounds dreaming of the day when they too can steal someone's husband or wife and then insult a loser with an eyebrow ring.
"I need to stay in this experiment in order to get to know Dan. Unfortunately, I'm gonna need to keep Mick here for another week," she shrugs, and by "keep" she means "trap".
"I just need to convince the group that being friends with Mick is my priority."
It's not as simple as Jessika thinks. Sure, she has watched on as Ines and Davina before her pulled off the same move. But it's a trick that needs to be perfectly executed. She's cocky tonight. And she's dragged by the group.
First, we need to get our priorities in order. Michael has decided to forego his usual bold silk shirt for this evening and surprise us all with a new look: Normcore.
Meanwhile, Ning takes it upon herself to detail the third world living conditions she was subjected to at Mark's homestay.
"My husband only has one cup, one plate, one spoon - only one of everything," she snips and that's both unfair and untrue. He has two gross body-pillows that he bought on the internet which we're named Erica and Trish and I'm sure they've endured more horrific times than Ning.
The love-square between Ning and Mark and Erica and Trish is completely normal compared with other people in the group. Susie and Billy continue to scrape along. But it is satisfying to hear their arguments have become about deeper and more meaningful subjects rather than superficial things like artificial sweetener.
"Billy and I had quite a big argument this morning about an ice-cream," Susie informs the experts.
Finally, something we can take seriously.
At the mere mention of the spat, Billy bursts into tears. The memories are painful.
"Last night I got us ice-cream and then she grabbed it off me and closed the door," he cries. "That was the breaking point!"
I've never sympathised with anything more in my life. This actually sounds traumatic and, if you roll your eyes and say you wouldn't cry about it if it happened to you, you've got some bigger problems going on and should be assessed.
"I lashed out," he sobs. And who wouldn't. Especially if it was that fancy Maggie Beer ice-cream. That stuff is expensive and delicious and if a partner stole it off you and then locked you out of the home while they ate all of it, authorities should be brought in.
The experience is too emotional and Billy chooses to leave. But Susie chooses to stay because there's more ice-cream to steal.
Dan and Tamara are called up next and Dan does that really nice thing where he washes his hands of the affair and blames it on the other woman.
"Jess caught me off guard and she found a part of me which I don't have with Tam," he tells us.
Despite watching the affair play out on five CCTV televisions the night before, the experts pretend like they have no idea that Jessika licked Dan's veneers.
We feel sorry for Tamara but she makes it hard for us. And by that, I mean she mispronounces "ask" as "arks".
Anyway, Dan tells the experts they've probably fallen into a friend zone and that's news to Tamara and she's totally not about it. Still, they both choose to stay.
Finally, it's time for Jessika to activate her plan. It's tough. Jessika isn't a slick person when it comes to social situations and she's not as savvy as she thinks she is. For example, in her first failed attempt at hitting on Dan, she offered to blow up his ass. She lacks a certain poise.
Up on the couch, she details again how Mick called her family a pack of cantaloupes.
The experts don't really say anything because they don't want another online petition launched against them.
"Can you say you've been 100 per cent," he asks.
"Yes," she lies.
Again, the experts pretend like they don't know about the cheating and refuse to pull up Jessika for breaking the rules of this once-esteemed experiment.
Mick wants out. He raises his card to show the bold capital letters spelling out his decision: LEAVE.
There's no way this relationship will ever work. They're both done. But he's wrong.
When we throw to Jessika for her decision, she's suspiciously chirpy.
"I immersed myself in his homestay and I think he should have the opportunity to come into my life to see how my family are, so I chose to stay," she politely tells us.
Mick drops his head in his hands. The crowd can't believe it and everyone gasps and glares. That annoyingly-content redhead pipes up to lead the charge against Jessika.
"I just don't get it, hon - things contradict each other. It doesn't add up," she tells Jessika. "When I see someone sitting here and I can see there're not telling the truth, I find that not fair."
"I am here to commit myself to a relationship and make it work with somebody," Jessika says vaguely.
"Pig's arse," Mick spits.
Ning also jumps in to take Jessika to task.
"If someone was speaking ill of my family, why would I want to intro them to my family again?" she questions.
"That's your views," Jessika snips back.
"You're full of sh*t. You are full of sh*t," Mick grumbles. His entire body hurts at the thought of being trapped here for another week because of Jessika's games.
As Mick collapses on the floor, Jessika swans back to sit with the group. She has secured one more week to try win Dan over and make him leave his wife for her.
"I feel like I'm staying for selfish reasons but who's to say what's selfish when it comes to love?" she asks.
But it is selfish. It's even more selfish than Susie stealing Billy's Maggie Beer ice-cream.
For more observations on overpriced ice-cream and Erica and Trish, follow me on Twitter and Facebook: @hellojamesweir