'Feelings there': Stalker ex infiltrates The Bachelor
IN A terrifying twist, the Honey Badger's ex has infiltrated The Bachelor mansion to appear as a contestant on the series after ignoring his hints to stay away in the outside world.
"I had no idea he was going to be The Bachelor," Cass - who looks like that Royal DJ girl - insists, but this is a lie because stalkers know everything.
"It's fate," she smiles. Stalkers always use "fate" to argue their actions. It's "fate" they just happened to be at the same coffee shop as you. It's "fate" they just happen to be living temporarily inside your laundry hamper. It's "fate" they tricked producers with a fake name and invaded the remote mansion in which you'll be staying for six weeks while filming a reality show.
Indeed, there is a backstory between the pair. It's complicated. But also not really. We'll get to it in a second.
Wednesday night's premiere sees the Honey Badger wake from his cave and scurry into the light to find a mate. He's zhooshed his hair with a curling wand, brushed the crumbs out of his moustache and Googled some fun new Australiana-themed sayings to rattle off. So let's get down to it immediately. Because, as they say, a stitch in time gathers no moss.
As he waits for the gals to arrive, Honey Badger is super relaxed and stands completely normally.
These introductions are always going to be awkward. But this year, it's made even more uncomfortable when none of the girls have any idea who Honey Badger is. And it gets more embarrassing when we meet Brooke, who arrives holding two footballs.
"How good's footy?!" she exclaims. "The reason I brought them is I'm a MASSIVE lover of sport - I play both union and league and I play AFL."
Brooke, who claims to be a football expert, then poses a question to Honey Badger, who's a professional football player.
"So, what do you do?" she inquires.
"Well...ah...play a bit of this..." he replies, grabbing a football.
Brooke can't believe it. She runs down the path and immediately straight-girl-splains the Honey Badger to us.
Next up, we meet Shannon and she's just really low key.
The next girl to stumble down the path is Brittany. She aggressively and continuously pronounces her name as "Brit-tan-knee" but we'll continue to call her "Britney" just to irritate her.
She's astounded that other people grew up in Port Macquarie and she also just came back from three years overseas where, she says, she "found myself".
It's all very Elizabeth Gilbert.
"I'm at 49 countries … so maybe you can be my 50th," she says sensually. I have no idea what this means but I think it's sexual and I feel super lucky to not be a country right now.
When casting The Bachelor, producers assess applications with a critical eye to ensure only Australia's oddest single people are put on television. Folks, meet Cayla - a professional energy healer. She's packed up her Himalayan salt lamp and trekked in all the way from Coolum Beach to find love.
As a professional energy healer, Cayla exudes calmness and tranquillity.
While Cayla skips into the backyard to find the perfect place to set up her tarot card table, the next girl begins walking down the path. Only, she's not really walking - she's more skulking. She pauses every few metres to hide behind tree trunks, leaning out to assess her target.
It appears she knows Honey Badger. And when he clocks her, he screams in terror.
Her name is Cass and she knows Honey Badger from the outside world. After screaming, Nick explains they went on a couple of dates a long time ago and Cass is immediately pulled to the side by producers and made to explain herself.
"I met him through playing rugby and he actually goes to my gym," she says vaguely.
She insists: "There's definitely feelings there. I don't know if it's one sided but there's definitely a romantic connection between me and Nick."
It's absolutely one sided but we tell her to go for it because stalker exes are funny as long as they're not your own.
Without knowing either of these people, we all confidently assume they hooked up several times and she wanted it to get more serious and he stopped replying to her texts and then she just started showing up at his BodyPump class at Fitness First Manly.
And with that, Cass takes her binoculars and goes to hide in a nearby garden.
When we meet Dasha, things heat up really quickly. Within seconds they're having what I think is heterosexual intercourse.
While all the other girls go by one name in the competition, a special exception has been made for the next contestant: Vanessa Sunshine. I absolutely believe this is her real name and don't question it at all.
Her gloomy demeanour doesn't quite match her warm name. Upon spotting Honey Badger from a distance, she scrunches her face.
"Not thrilled," she snips.
Honey Badger asks her where she's from, but she refuses to answer the question.
"Hmm. We can talk about it later. Come find me inside," she snips, before walking off.
We all think she's just being a witch but apparently this is her move to pull in the fellas.
"When it comes to dating, you got to leave them wanting more. Don't give it all away," she informs us.
And she's absolutely right. It's a lesson all you single losers should write down. I've been using this rule for years. Upon meeting boys, I send them my filthiest nude pics upfront but withhold all information regarding my hometown. And by the time our fifth date rolls around, they're gagging to know where I grew up. It's all about keeping them interested.
As the cocktail party rolls on, Osher strolls in fresh from his Men's Health photoshoot to drop a bombshell.
The bombshell is producers have stolen the key to Honey Badger's house, made a copy without him knowing, put it in a gross jewellery box and will give it to one of the girls so they can break into his home without permission.
At first, Stalker Cass really wants the key. But then she realises she already has several copies of it and also knows how to jimmy open the dodgy back window of Honey Badger's house, so she decides she doesn't really need it.
But she still desperately wants his attention. She corners him in the backyard and reveals some confronting information.
"In a diary, I wrote down goals and dreams that I want to happen this year. And, it's happening right now," she tells Honey Badger.
He's worried and confused.
"Was... was my name in there," he asks hesitantly.
"YES," she replies. "I told the universe what I wanted and it's happening."
Cass then runs back into the bushes and maniacally insists to us Honey Badger feels the exact same way.
"I need to find a way to make my mark," she concludes. "I'm going to kiss him".
This is a terrible idea. The results could be humiliating. So we encourage her to do it immediately.
She races back to him in the yard and tries to muster up the courage. But she doesn't follow through because even stalkers get nervous sometimes.
Meanwhile, in an attempt to get some attention, some chick called Kayla who we've never seen before decides to bomb dive into the swimming pool. The only flaw to her plan is Honey Badger is not even close to the pool and has no idea it happened.
Drenched and floating in the pool after publicly embarrassing herself, Kayla begs producers to just roll the electric pool cover over her.
The key to Honey Badger's house is still up for grabs and all the gals are going insane as they try to win it. But it's Brooke who wins it, thanks to her sizzling conversation.
"My mum has Pocahontas hair," she confides in him.
Everyone's thrilled for both Brooke and her mum with the Pocahontas hair. Everyone except Cass, who chokes back tears. She thought she had it for sure. The chemistry is palpable! I mean, they're members at the same franchise of gyms!
At the rose ceremony, her anxiety soars as the man she's written so much about in her diary hands out roses.
The girl with the Himalayan salt lamp gets one. That girl who almost died when the electric pool cover rolled over her gets through.
Negative thoughts start to needle at Cass. And, for the first time, she wonders: Maybe this romance is just in her head.
What if he doesn't feel the same way? Maybe it was a sign he kept moving houses without telling her.
But as the number of roses whittle down and she comes to terms with the fact Honey Badger may not feel the same way, he calls her name.
Maybe he truly does feel the same way. Or maybe producers have just pushed him into including her to see how far Cass will go to impress her terrified former lover.
Either way, she's now inside the mansion. And she will not leave by choice.
Twitter and Facebook: @hellojamesweir