’My mum’s addicted to colonoscopies’
There comes a time in your life when you have to drive a parent to and from a colonoscopy appointment.
This week was my time to ferry my mother back and forth. There are a few options to fill in the time after dropping off your baby boomer and before collection. You can go home, but don't get too settled as you'll be back at the hospital quicker than you think. Or, you can wander around a shopping centre, however this can cause financial ruin, as the longer you're near shops, the harder it gets to not buy things. I'm sure there's an algorithm to support this somewhere.
I chose neutral middle ground. I went to a friend's house, that way there's internet, free coffee and it's a good opportunity to spend a bit of time with someone - not quite an all-day visit, but almost.
Mum loves a colonoscopy. She's told everyone she's having one for weeks.
I think it's a sort of a highlight on her calendar. I'm glad it's out of the way as I couldn't stand hearing much more about it. The unspoken polite society rule of not discussing one's toilet habits goes out the window during colonoscopy season.
"I can't drink any more of that horrible stuff," she says, referring to the prep she has to drink to be clean and clear for the procedure.
"I feel the same way about sambuca," I reply.
"Not the time for jokes, Melinda," she states. I couldn't disagree more, but I pipe down. This would be approximately Mum's 25th colonoscopy. She's addicted to them.
I'd recommend they get a loyalty card system for my mother, and maybe give her every 10th one free.
I'm glad she's looking after her health. I mean, who knows what they'll find up there. I made one final joke about this on the way to the hospital.
Mum had just said, "I hope they don't find anything."
A tense moment. I broke it with, "Maybe they'll find that wheel of camembert you ate all by yourself at Christmas."
I got an icy glare for that one.
Mel Buttle is a Brisbane comedian
Originally published as 'My mum's addicted to colonoscopies'