Sam Armytage’s unexpected response to 2020
The following is an excerpt from a consumer review on the year that was. The reviewer tried to be as polite as possible given the circumstances. And I... I mean, she, will be pursuing this under the full force of the law.
Dear Sir/Madam/Non-Binary Pronoun,
At the beginning of this year, I paid (in full) my membership to the human race for 2020. I feel the past 12 months have not lived up the promises made in the brochure of life.
I have been let down in almost all respects, and I demand a full refund. Although I received my membership pack in January, I didn't get to wear the cap, because we couldn't go outside.
I immediately lost the keyring and lanyard, as everybody does. Although the club scarf did come in quite handy, initially as a preventive mask for bushfire smoke, then throughout the year on random trips to Woollies to stock up on toilet paper.
As I purchased the Premium package, I was promised dining at the cafe or restaurant of my choice. I was guaranteed a seat in the stadium for the Finals. I was also assured priority boarding on the plane. None of these were delivered.
As one of your valuable clients, I was entitled to be able to go to a nightclub and stand up to dance - even if I was sitting and drinking and there were less than 50 people on the dance floor, although more than 50 on the dance floor and there were 2 people per 4 square metres.
Or 1 person per 2 square metres. And no-one at the bar. (Oh hell, who am I kidding? I haven't been to a nightclub since 1994.)
I was given an undertaking that my ride this year would have 12 months' warranty, free servicing, leather seats and cup holders. What I actually received was pretty much the sticky, hot, vinyl seats and overflowing ashtrays from my childhood.
The vehicle had Takata airbags and I think the seatbelts didn't even work. In fact, at one point I tried to cross the border into Queensland and was fined simply for hiding in the boot of my husband's car. Disgraceful.
I saved millions of Loyalty Points during my membership of the human race and planned to use them this year on a lovely, peaceful all-expenses-paid family holiday to Wuhan. Well... that certainly didn't happen, did it?!
I feel let down by my membership in 2020 as I've missed out on a lot of wonderful experiences. Working from home has denied me the pleasure of office politics and the absolute delight of travelling during peak hour in a major city
So, to conclude, I ask that you, The Universe Pty Ltd: grant me a full refund on 2020. I would also like a public apology and one million dollars in cash (said in Austin Powers' Dr Evil's accent.)
Alternatively, I would like JobKeeper for life. I would also like a guarantee that I will not be spammed for all eternity as a result of QR codes.
I thank you for your understanding.
And I ask that you work hard to ensure better service in 2021.
Name and address withheld (perhaps just call me Karen.)
Samantha co-hosts Sunrise, 5.30am weekdays, on the Seven Network.
Originally published as Sam Armytage's unexpected response to 2020