‘Should be dead’: SAS celeb emergency
SAS star Shannan Ponton "should be dead" after suffering severe hypothermia during an extreme challenge that leads to memory loss on Monday night - the silver lining being he probably now has no recollection of the exploding toilet incident he endured just hours earlier.
"With hypothermia and wind chill, the skin will literally fall off of your body," one of the soldiers informs us as the celebrities are thrown out of a helicopter into four degree water.
Under any other circumstances, this would be torture. But on a scale of one to exploding toilet, it comes in at about a six-point-five.
The four heroes struck down by Monday night's exploding toilet - or what will now be known as The Incident - will probably have PTSD flashbacks every time they hear the sound of a flush. The moment that garbage bag of human waste tore apart and its contents splattered onto them, they were instantly united and an unbreakable bond was formed.
In decades to come, as they lay on their deathbeds, they'll open their eyes and signal for their families to come closer.
"I've seen things you'll never understand," they'll whisper as they take their last breath.
Still clearly traumatised by The Incident, that chick Ali from The Bachelorette can't bring herself to hurl her body out of the helicopter. She has been through too much.
"I don't want to," she cries to the soldiers.
They scream in her face but her mind is made up. She rips the number off her sleeve and quits the show. Closing her eyes, she takes a deep breath and calms down.
Then the soldiers toss her out of the helicopter anyway.
Even the voiceover has started making bitchy asides. Tonight's target is that Biggest Loser trainer Shannan. "One of the oldest recruits, Shannan, battles an ageing mind and body."
Ouch. Wonder how he's going to run out of the ocean and up the three kilometre trail to the top of the mountain without his zimmer frame.
He simply can't. But not just because he's elderly. The freezing water and icy winds have sent his body into shock and he almost instantly suffers hypothermia. He can't feel his limbs and the soldiers have to dress him in dry clothes because he has lost all co-ordination.
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In the truck on the way back to camp, the other celebrities try to warm him up with a cup of hot water but his arms and hands don't work - he can't even lift them. His memory then disappears.
"Did I pass out?" he murmurs as the car arrives back at camp.
"Ahhh … no …" a concerned Honey Badger replies.
Still feeling the effects of hypothermia, Shannan has no recollection of the challenge.
"It's like having a massive bender … I can't remember getting to the end. I can't remember what happened when we got to the end," Shannan stutters as the soldiers summon him into the interrogation room.
What unfolds is a classic SAS Australia back and forth. The bitchy British soldiers trick Shannan with questions, and he tries to appear tough by giving them the answers he thinks they want to hear.
"Are you suffering?" one soldier spits.
"No," Shannan grimaces.
"You're suffering," they scoff. "Have you ever seen someone suffer?"
"Yes staff. As a personal trainer I've seen people suffer," he winces in pain.
Shannan, we're sure you know how to put together a really intense HIIT circuit but it's really not the same as getting hypothermia and almost dying on a mountain.
"I had to dress you like a child," the soldier spits. "And you're telling me you're not suffering?"
"I can't remember," Shannan begins to laugh uncontrollably. "I just blanked out, I can't remember, it didn't actually hurt me or scare me."
"You should be f**king dead, I don't know why you're laughing. Your teammates would be in a sh*t state right now. You'd be dead right now."
Shannan has fallen into the trap of trying to impress the soldiers by appearing tough, which means they're automatically unimpressed and turn on him. They'd be more impressed if he was tough enough to admit he … you know … almost died. The rules in this universe are complicated and make no sense.
"If this was a pass or fail exercise you'd fail right now. You're at the back of the line now," the dismiss him.
Yeah, Shannan. Next time, don't get life threatening hypothermia and almost die. Drama queen. Michelle Bridges wouldn't have let that bring her down.
Originally published as 'Should be dead': SAS celeb emergency