Why Donald Trump and Mike Pence make me grumpy
SWANNELL: It was just after lunch last Saturday and I was feeling more than a bit grumpy.
Donald Trump had just announced his vice-presidential running mate would be Mike Pence, the Governor of Indiana. Most commentators gave Pence the thumbs up; he's good value for money.
He will, they say, be a great asset for Trump's campaign and greatly improve his chances of gaining the presidency.
That is enough to make anybody grumpy. Anything that improves the chances of Donald Trump getting into the White House is seriously grump-making, not to say deeply concerning.
When, as on Saturday, it is preceded by news of the latest Turkey coup, with many people killed in a military uprising in Istanbul you realise once again what a chaotic, dangerous place the world is right now.
And, this latest atrocity almost pales into insignificance compared with the maniacal events in France. Nice was a far-from nice place to be, with a deranged driver at the wheel of a very large truck.
The "randomness" of who becomes the victims adds to the sense of insecurity that is a characteristic of these attacks no matter how many innocent bystanders suffer.
So, with several hours still to go before kick-off time in the Broncos' match there was every reason to be grumpily depressed.
I decided that the best course of action was to retreat to the toilet with part of the weekend Chronicle and the expectation of a lengthy meander through the local trivia from a moderately comfortable sitting position.
I've often found this soothes the mind especially when I've already done the chores associated with clearing up the previous evening's dirty dishes and my wife is on the Saturday shopping roster.
With most things happening fairly normally below the belt, it was time to take in the speculation surrounding the Janetzky v Thorley play-off. Voters would rarely be presented with two such different prospects.
Would they choose the exceptionally talented, new career oriented David? Or would it be Di, newly returned from the Tassie depths, full of what she could achieve through the miracle of her new-found independence?
I know them both well but I felt in my water that David was the one for the job, leaving Di to take a few deep breaths and realise that being a novice state parliamentarian requires somewhat different skills compared with her time as Queen of her own castle.
I wondered if Toowoomba South voters would agree with me by the end of the day.
It was then time to fiddle with the toilet roll. I always do that when I'm thinking about politics. It must have something to do with the prospect of bringing an important part of the day's business to a useful conclusion.
As it happened, last Saturday was a particularly crucial toilet paper day in our family's loo. I had to manoeuvre the last few squares of paper on the existing roll, dispose of the cardboard tube in an orderly way and select the replacement from the ample supply of new Quilton Rolls, ready and waiting to be wall-mounted.
I bet you have to do it too, on many days of your life as you rush to get the kids off to school or yourself off to work!
The bonus of being semi-retired is that I have time to read the roll. Yes, actually "read the roll"!
Down there, printed on the inside of the tube that carries the roll. There is this message and it made my day. Never will having a poo mean so much again...... "Quilton", it says in large letters, "Loves your bum" ...."Quilton Loves your bum".
Beautiful! There on the inside of every Quilton tube...it's absolutely made my day. I shall never be grumpy ever again........